Kimi Dake Wo
by CuteYami
Summary: Spoilers for After Story 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio, there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV. Revival, October 2012.
1. The End of the Dream

**CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo**

_Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio; there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV._

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**Chapter 1 - The End of the Dream**

Chaos ensued throughout the room, the cries of the newborn baby, wailing endlessly. Afraid of the new world, uncertain of what was happening or where she was, who these people were crowded around her. It had been hours, an eternity passed since it had began. I had been certain that neither the girl lying before me nor the babe continuing the wail would pull through, after hours had passed; I had become unsure if even I could stay conscious for the entire process. I had been reminding her of the promise we made; the life ahead for the three of us, but even that alone hadn't been enough to ease her soul. And to see her so pained, it made me want to cover my eyes, sit blindly until the end had come and the decision had been made. In the end, I had been sitting in that darkness, unaware of the real world happening around me; all I could see was her; the babe's cries had brought about life in the blank world of nothing. Returning to reality took a moment, those around us moved like stills, without any real movement; that was when my eyes met the sight of the life we had created; she was crying just as a healthy newborn would, she had really pulled through.

She came closer, presented in Sanae-san's soft grip before me, it was unreal, we had been stressing for weeks that there was a chance she wouldn't make it. I took her in my arms, I had become her castle; this was my - _our _- Ushio. My waist twisted, I had to show her that our offspring was alive, but when my eyes spotted her through the endless sea of tears, she wasn't looking back.

"Nagisa?" I sounded; fighting back the urge to let more tears fall in the stray chance she really hadn't shared Ushio's fate. There was no way Nagisa would give up; I couldn't allow my mind to stray down that path, to that fate. And even after a brief silence between us, nothing came, she hadn't responded. My hand fell to hers, gripping tightly, I refused to let her go; I wouldn't lose her now, not after everything, not after she had made it through the birth. "Nagisa? Nagisa!"

Her golden eyes opened, fixed upon me tiredly. She still looked in terrible pain; perhaps not physically, but within her, something was hurting greatly, the tears that had clung to my eyes slipped down my cheeks, meeting at my chin and falling down onto the futon laid upon the floor. The brief tickling of their meeting on my skin faded as quickly as their descent, my focus had to remain on Nagisa, she was exhausted and if her body had been rendered powerless to fight on, letting her sleep was not an option. Within my chest, I could feel my heart torn, even though Ushio continued to cry incessantly in my arms, Nagisa was still the world to me, just the sounds of her fatigued pants hurt more than any punch thrown at my physically.

"Tomoya…kun" she eventually managed.

I leaned forward, anything just so she could see me, see us. I didn't care what state I was in; drenched in layers upon layers of sweat, my hair fallen from exhaustion, tears streaming down my face that would make memories of her past lachrymose moments seem like nothing more than simply a few tears trickling down her cheeks and ceasing without anything more. The grip of my hand over hers tightened, just slightly, I couldn't bring any harm to her; I hadn't been that person for months, since the beginning of our acquaintance.

"She here! Nagisa, she's right here!" I cried breathlessly, my heart pounded against my chest in the ways I'm sure Sunohara felt after the vicious attacks from Tomoyo. Those days, I missed them so, just to be together with everyone, maybe if Nagisa and I had been able to meet during her time attending the school in my second year, we could have shared more fond memories; I could have grown to accept the school for longer. I witnessed Nagisa taking a moment to blink gradually, breathing a tired sigh, knowing her; it had been one of relief for Ushio. "You can hear her, right? Our baby's crying" I announced in the same feverish tone, the fact that this city had given us a break was unbelievable, I had been certain that the world had been against us, even before we had met at the base of that hill.

Nagisa gave a moment to gather the strength to answer, a simple "Yes…" was all she could manage, but that was more than enough for me, we had our dream lying ahead of us; the dream of being a family with Ushio, to live happily together and pay back both Sanae-san and Pops for everything they had done for us. I pushed myself back, presenting Ushio before her, just so she could see the miracle she had pulled off, I had never been so proud to have known her, though memories may have protested otherwise, she had completely turned my life around in merely a year; I would have never pictured myself finding a true life in this city, let alone find someone I loved so much that I would join hands with them in marriage and even father a child. Life without Nagisa would have been unbearable, the same dull cycle for the months until I graduated, moving on without a path ahead of me, wandering aimlessly until I would fall to the same levels as my father, maybe even lower.

Nagisa's eyes met Ushio, I knew at that moment, that my life would always feel complete with those two around, even if anything bad happened to us as Ushio would grow up, just knowing that they were there with me would be enough for me to remember the true value of my life.

"Look! I'm the first to hold her!" I exclaimed with pride.

"Yes…she's cute" Nagisa exhaled gently.

Another moment of silence between us passed, Ushio continued to wail without any clue what was happening. A path had been brought to us, a path we had prayed for in the past months; one filled with warmth, with hope, with a future. I continued to focus upon Nagisa and Ushio. My family, at last. "Our baby, Ushio".

"Shio-chan" Nagisa responded, the way she had chosen the name and even still thought of a nickname made me smile.

"She's a girl" I stated to her. "A healthy baby girl!"

"Yes…I'm glad she was born at home…" Nagisa continued on, her voice sounded so frail. Seeing her laying in a terrible condition was nothing new, but each and every time, it still hurt. "I thought it might have been dangerous for Shio-chan".

At that moment, I felt like snapping back at her; 'You fool, what about you? Care about yourself as well, you have such value in the world'. But Ushio had been her wish and birthing her at home had been what she had desired, she had been granted her wish just as I had in being with Nagisa forever. I sucked in the air around me; tears had built in my eyes enough for my sight to swim without any way to surface until they would part. "You really pulled through" I whispered while watching Ushio; my voice suffered from the overload of joy. In a way, I had directed the grateful declaration to both of the girls, but without a way for Ushio to reply, Nagisa was the one to answer, giving a sigh before she could continue on.

"But…I'm a little tired" her eyes fell shut again, reopening after a handful of seconds passed us by. Her words cut at me, I knew she was tired, but I couldn't bear to let her sleep when she was so weak. What if she wouldn't awaken once again? My bottom lip trembled watching her mouth open once again, my brow had creased in worry; maybe she was already slipping away from us. Maybe she really was going to die, but she had pulled through, it wasn't fair for us to lose her just after she had met the child she had given birth to. My mind trailed to her eyes, was I still there? Had I faded into nothing but darkness? I prayed she could hold on for longer, just long enough for us to get her to the hospital, why did the city have to fall under the snow at the same time Nagisa had gone into labour? Perhaps it was just another way at getting back at us. "Please let me rest…for a little bit".

No. I couldn't let that happen, once her eyes closed, the possibility that they wouldn't open again lingered. Around us, everything was white; I was beginning to wonder if perhaps we had sunken into our own world once again. One filled with brightness instead of the bleak plain I had been sitting within just moments before. I dared not peer over my shoulder, whether Sanae-san, Pops and the doctor were there or not was irrelevant, I didn't want to break the illusion that we were alone; the three of us, just as we wished for and promised. We couldn't lose our grip on that desire now, Ushio's cries began to echo; Nagisa and I were alone in this world. We had been together since meeting under the blossoming sakura trees, was this some sick way of us being alone when we finally parted? I shook my head internally, scolding myself without words, pessimism was the old Tomoya; I couldn't revert back to being that lost soul.

From behind, I heard Sanae-san's voice call out, they were still there, even if the distance had grown, they continued to watch over us as we sank into that world alone.

"_Nagisa!"_

"_Damn it, the doctors still aren't here?"_

"_We still can't use the car?!"_

I paid no attention to what they called, staying with Nagisa was what was important; it had been right from the beginning, when I realized how I felt for her. She wasn't some pitiful girl who had asked me to carry her up that hill, no, she was much more. She would support me upwards just as much as I would her; Ushio's cries filled the air in the times of silence, screaming from a distance.

"Nagisa, please wait, Nagisa!" I begged; this couldn't be the end. I would do whatever I could to cling onto her for as long as I could; minutes, hours, years. She had saved me in more ways than just one; this was my chance to make everything up to her, to return the favour, to prove I could really do something for her and save her just the same. "Let's talk a little more; you can just listen, okay?"

She didn't answer verbally, her eyes remained fixed upon us; Ushio and me. I couldn't think of anything to bring up other than Ushio, the fact that she had been born was like a miracle to me; a miracle I wasn't going to lose Nagisa by, she would pull through and we could live together.

"Look, it's our baby! She looks a bit like a monkey, doesn't she? She's so small, I'll try calling to her, okay?" I yammered, I knew Nagisa didn't have the strength left to keep answering whatever came out of my mouth, I was simply babbling just to keep her awake. Anything, everything, whatever I could do, I would. I turned my head to Ushio to follow through on what I had suggested, rocking my arms slightly to catch her attention, her arms were flailing aimlessly, like she was a young bird learning to fly or a fish that had swum out of its depth, Had I not been desperate for Nagisa to stay awake, I would have enjoyed the performance, maybe even laugh at the display she was putting on for us. "Ushio. I'm Daddy, Ushio" I began to her, the first thing I had really said in her direction. "Over there is Mummy, look".

She didn't comply with my wish, she turned her head away from me but not to gaze at Nagisa, she continued to panic and flail too much to bother listening to words we spoke. My head fell; it was amusing even now to see that she didn't care for what I had to say. Her defiance made me think of myself, my eyelids slid shut, allowing the tears I had held onto for so long to slide away from my eyes, allowing fresh ones to build the instant they opened again when I turned my head back to Nagisa, chuckling tiredly.

"She ignored me…"

Nagisa's eyes opened again in my field of vision, I know she would have loved to have joined in the atmosphere had she the strength, if only… Nonetheless, I continued on.

"She probably doesn't know, does she? I'm sure she'll grown really fast. Enter elementary school…" I didn't watch Nagisa's eyes, but they had fallen shut once again, my voice trailed on with whatever I could think of; the future with Ushio, the times that lied ahead for us. Thoughts of what things would be like in five years time, ten years time; each time Nagisa stood with us. My neck stretched at the prospect, holding my head high, the same power pouring into my voice, I could speak normally again. "Maybe Parents' Day or an athletic meet or something. It'll be our family! Even though I'm absolutely stupid when it comes to this".

At that moment my incessant babbling ceased, my smile of the future ahead faded. Nagisa looked more fatigued than before, her eyes were dulling, I gripped her hand tightly, she had to stay with us; she had to. Her eyes shut again, I assumed it was just another moment for her to pull together what she had to stay with us, but this wasn't the same. "Nagisa?" Her hand slipped from mine, someone had driven a dagger through my heart, my entire soul as it fell, she wasn't just sleeping and she would never pull a stunt, this was real. And I had tried to deny that, I had sunken into my own world obsessing over the years to come, yet Nagisa's will still hadn't been enough for her to fight on to survival. Her hand hit the sheet covering her body; I sucked in the air around me, staring at her still face, just waiting for her to open her eyes, I was begging for her to wake up. Clutching Ushio defensively, I shuffled closer, taking her hand and raising it from the futon. "Nagisa…Look, here's Ushio's cheek". I tugged on her arm, the same voice that had wanted to call at her to care about herself as much as she had Ushio arose again 'Come on, take it. Please don't die on me! Don't die on _us_!' She wouldn't touch Ushio by herself, I pleaded for her to do so. "Come on!"

But she didn't. She couldn't. I refused to believe that it had come to this, our lives together were supposed to be long and joyful. Ushio was the third part in our family, we couldn't lose Nagisa and that dream now. Her hand didn't lift to brush Ushio's cheek with her fingers; my eyes remained fixed upon her face; wishing for her eyes to open, just to show that she was still fighting. The only thing that came were memories, pouring into my mind, seeing the past happening again through my inner eye: Nagisa standing on the balcony clutching a basket of washing - _Nagisa… _- She stood beside the sink, cutting one of the ingredients for dinner, turning to me with a smile upon her face - _You said you'd always be with me, didn't you?_ - Her expression staring at me was sceptic, dinner was boiling in the pot behind her; I had been messing with her over the quality of the food. She giggled when I confessed. We held hands strolling down the streets outside while the sun was setting, our shadows laid before us on the ground - _You promised me many, many times, didn't you? _- Standing outside of one of the many shops we visited together, she pulled a lolly upon two sticks apart, handing me the one in her left hand, blue as the sky or sea. Inside the house; she pet the green Dango atop the television resting beneath another pink one sitting on top of it. When she had been trimming my hair, sitting on her knees by my side - _That was my dream _- At night, we laid chest-to-chest in the dark, I would awaken many times in the night to see her face before mine, it made everything seem worthwhile, this was our reality - _There was nothing good about living_ - She clutched the green Dango in her arms, gazing up at me with that perfect smile. The lazy summer day when I felt like doing nothing but lying on the floor and waiting for the heat to pass, she hadn't agreed. Instead, she began to clean the house, vacuuming the floor; eventually she nudged me without the intention, bringing her hand level with her mouth. It was like the fun revenge she had played that day - _Someone like me, who went through such a crappy lifestyle_ - She stood in the doorway to the bathroom, handing me a towel, the instant my hand gripped it, she turned her head away, closing her eyes. Sunset eventually came each day, we would normally be together at that time, marvelling at the wonder of the sight, the way it painted to sky; we stood in the kitchen together with our backs to it. I wrapped my arm around her, resting it on her left shoulder away from me, bringing my face to her hair, the truth about our relationship would slip from my understanding, it had been one of those moments when the world was perfect and we could just stand together and praise the fact that we were together - _…had finally found a dream!_ - She turned to me, closing her eyes happily as our faces aligned. _Hey, Nagisa!_

She continued to lie without movement; she hadn't been able to hear a word my soul had wept, the memories that had passed between us. _Nagisa…_ I threw myself forward, wrapping my arm around her just the same as that time, but not with the joy of being together, able to hold and kiss and love each other. But with desperate intent of clinging onto her, to drag her back to us. I screamed her name one more time, just once more. No matter how much I cried, no matter how much I had screamed her name, she just wouldn't open her eyes and look up at me. Our world faded into white, the memories flowing continued on, tormenting me with happy days we had shared together: I pulled her from the bench where Mei had set us up in order to make us seem like a real couple, she blushed standing beside me. Our names on the blackboard when we admitted our feelings for each other and began to date. She tilted her head in that cute manner, staring as if she had no clue. The other side of her that was lifting her fists in her determined fashion, almost like she was ready to fight; fight for what she believed and who she wanted to help. Giggling in that same way. Standing before me with Mei and Fujibayashi twins, while they celebrated, she simply watched on, an inspired look in her eyes. Pointing at Sunohara in one of those moments where he had done something stupid, she was trying to yell at him in a way only she could. Together we stood in the sunset, she was laughing in that same way, dressed for athletic training. The days outside of school that everyone would spend together, she stood between Kyou and Fujibayashi. The drama club's room where we began to spend every lunch together, meeting as often as we could, she and Fujibayashi staring like they were in trouble, smiling sheepishly. She and Fujibayashi had been close, even when we were all focusing on everyone else's problems, she stood with Kotomi who clutched that accursed violin, it was just like her to help out everyone that she could. It was something I truly loved about her despite that sometimes, it would lead into something we had only days to complete or solve, almost giving up our performance at the Founders' Festival. A memory of her talking _to_ Kotomi followed. The night we had celebrated with Fuuko, awaking to find that she had vanished and we were left sleeping together in the empty classroom. The night she had found all the momentums of her parents' acting careers and began to blame herself, the breakdown she suffered. The way she blushed, the way she cried, the way she would rush forward for the reasons she had set out to do. Sitting in the courtyard in the first days after we met, I would pity her and sit with her when she was always alone. Then she came to me, sitting the opposite end of my desk occasionally when we met. She moved forward again, making her way towards the hill's summit, even passing me by.

Together we had met at the foot of that hill and together we stood there once again. No sun, no sky, just sakura petals gradually falling in the non-existent wind, Nagisa's back to me. It was that day all over again.

"_Do you like this school?" _she asked, her voice was so angelic, there was a hint of an echo. This was nothing more than a memory; it was just the day I wish I could set right and let her move onto a better life. One where I wouldn't have dragged her down. _"I really, really like it. But nothing can remain the same forever…Even fun and happy things, nothing stays that way forever. Even then, can you still bring yourself to this place?"_

Nagisa…_You_ were the real reason I dragged myself there after that day, how could I return there without you by my side. All of those joyful memories we shared on that school campus, in this city. None of them meant anything without you here to prove they existed. 'Fun and happy memories', eh? They had all just come to an end. I can't be happy without you; a life on my own is nothing but the same dull existence I endured before you came into my life, to bring light and hope into my life, a purpose. I could never bring up Ushio like you would, I would only mess her up in the same way that my father and I fought. Ushio would have the same life I had, especially when she had five extra years without her mother, an existence where she couldn't turn to the one that had brought her into the world. Nagisa…

She turned to me, strolling down the path away from the hill, her climb was over. I tried to call out; holding myself back when I realized this was my chance to let her live a real life in that dream world. Her eyes didn't meet me; I couldn't bring her down again. So she passed, we were nameless strangers. She carried on, fading into the white, the sakura trees overhead sinking into a blue aura, the petals shrivelling up. We should have never met, neither to go out with her nor propose. Ushio wouldn't have been born and Nagisa would still live on. I was prepared to give up Ushio's life in exchange for Nagisa's. Selfish maybe, but Nagisa deserved more in life, she had faced Death once before and lived. Pops had brought up that story, that site was being constructed into a hospital. Maybe that had been a burden upon Nagisa's soul; she had been linked with that site. Was that the reason I was powerless to save her? What about the orbs of light we had spoken of recently? The orbs that one would gain when they had found true happiness in every inch of their soul? I had felt like that every day with Nagisa and yet I hadn't been able to fulfil the promise we had made, my wish had been left forsaken. I would never attain one without Nagisa in my life. Hope had died, happiness had died, Nagisa… Nagisa had passed on and I had been powerless to save her. I was worthless, just as I had been the days before we met.

"_Nagisa!"_

I felt myself pulled back, I didn't understand. Then the real world came into focus, the sight of Nagisa laying in her peaceful eternal sleep returned in my eyes. The hands that had pulled my body up twisted my torso around, my weary and damp eyes met the sight of Pops who stared at me; not in the usual furious manner that would be same test, but a sombre look.

"What were you trying to do? Suffocate her?" he choked. Normally those words had been filled with hollow rage or some determination in setting a challenge. But they were hollow without any emotion.

"Why…" I breathed. "Why would I want to harm Nagisa?" My voice had broken down again, baring even less emotion than his.

"Screw the snow, we've got to get her to the hospital" he called, looking over his shoulder.

Why? They continued to fight on even though Nagisa couldn't understand anymore. I softened my grip on Ushio; she was still wailing and screaming without a clue of what had happened. Or did she know? I stared at her, not with the thrill of the future ahead, but rather with a bitter sadness. The loss we had suffered, I didn't want to blame her, but injustice had been dealt upon her arrival into the world. The door she had passed through to life had closed behind Nagisa on the other side. I distanced her from my torso, presenting her to Pops. His eyes met the sight when he turned back to us, I wasn't looking at her; I wasn't looking at him. I was just staring without any target.

"Huh?" he sounded. I didn't reply, but Ushio was lifted from my hands, my eyes rose to follow her path upwards, finding Sanae-san clutching Ushio to her chest, smiling gently at me through the streams of tears that flowed from her eyes to her chin, her neck had dampened from the endless sea of tears.

"It's alright. I understand. You want to stay by Nagisa's side. I'll take care of Ushio-chan until we get to the hospital, they'll probably want to look over her when we get there" she muttered, her voice strained. Nagisa's death had strained them without a doubt, they were her parents; people would say that parents should never have to bury their children. But they had faced losing her once before, that was why they had taken to opening a bakery instead of continuing their acting careers. I turned from them, gazing at Nagisa, my hand met hers. She was still so warm, all the effort she had put into giving birth to Ushio; it had yet to fade. I gazed at the clock close to the Dango trio atop the television; it was almost two in the morning. Nagisa had gone into labour some time ago, I couldn't even remember if it had been the morning or the afternoon. It was no surprise she had been so exhausted, we all were. I tightened my grip on her hand, our finger slipping between the opening between each other's, my nails met her knuckles, but hers didn't touch mine, not this time. My eyes fell shut; tears sliding down again, just as Sanae-san, my neck had become damp from the tears that hadn't travelled just to my chin but further down.

My back began to bend, my forehead meeting our hands. I just wanted to fall asleep with her there, follow her to wherever she had gone and leave reality behind. The pain it would cause those we cared about would be unbearable, but no-one else mattered to me at that time. It was just Nagisa and myself. My eyes fell shut, the voices of the others beginning to echo just as they had when Nagisa and I had been in our own world of white. There was no white in this world; there was no light, no warmth, and no hope. It was an empty world of darkness. Thee one Nagisa had brought me from and the one I had sunk back into without her to guide me up the hill to the place she stood. I didn't care about anything anymore; that had been my flaw, just like those days with Sunohara after we had both left our sporting potentials in the past, there was nothing for us. That was what we had believed when we blinded ourselves from the world. But this time, there really was nothing for me, without Nagisa…

Sunohara, Kyou, Kotomi, Fujibayashi, Tomoyo, Mei, Sanae-san, Pops, Ushio. They had all been elements in bringing Nagisa and I together, to bring our hands to join as one; to love and kiss and give life. What was there for me without her? Even if I had to give up the love we shared, if I could have gone back, I would have never called out to her, just so that she could live beyond this day, just so that she could live a full existence, not to sacrifice herself.

We should have never met…for Nagisa's sake.

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_**Next time**_

_"Why? Why had this happened? And to us. Fate had been paying with us since the days we were born, this city, everything about it. I hate this place more than before the days we met"._

_Chapter Two - Illusions without Light_

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Originally, I thought of this after ~After Story~ 16 when the preview for Episode 17 moved so far ahead. There were hints about Tomoya's lifestyle, but how he felt wasn't really explored, only what people had to say. Plus I love Tomoya and Nagisa, I wanted to explore them more deeply, but this was the first idea for a Clannad fic I coud come up with. Plus I wanted to see the end of the series before I posted, hoping that the anime would deliever the happy ending that Tomoya so badly deserved. It's been a number of years since I tried writing in first-person, so I'm still rusty. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed enough to review. *bows*

_- CuteYami, 13th March 2009_


	2. Fading Existence

**CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo**

_Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio, there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV._

* * *

_~ CLANNAD ~_

_The snow was falling endlessly. If only it could stop for just a day, just long enough for her to regain some strength. The winter that had come was harming her in ways I could never wish upon anyone. But there was no-one else. No-one that could help her, to drag her from this miserable fate. I was worthless, she couldn't even hear my voice; what could I do? I returned to the shelter in which I had been born, my arms filled with various pieces of junk. While she had no strength to continue working on the machine that would bring about our escape and find who I was; I could still move. But I didn't have the same power in bringing the creation about like she had me. No matter what I tried, nothing worked. My body was also beginning to suffer; occasionally, the snow would overwhelm my fragile frame and I could cease functioning completely. She was still there to rescue me; I had to pay her back. We had to escape. I couldn't let her die after everything._

_The fields that had grown tall plates of grass that swayed in the breeze had sunk beneath the white snow, buried until the spring would come for us again. If it arrived in time. The orbs of light that had been everywhere in those warm and fun times could never meet our eyes through the snow tumbling from the sky above. It had become impossible to see the blue sky through the blanket of grey clouds. Despair filled me, if neither of us could play our part the way we had been, then there was no hope for escape. We couldn't get out of this place before she would die. I pushed the door open, meeting the sight of her tired eyes when she gazed upon me standing in the doorway. These times she had just been sitting inside, conserving her energy rather than wasting it in the bitter cold. Even in the room, she appeared cold, but I could not share her agony, as much as I wished to just to lessen her burden._

"_Did you find anything you think is useful?" she asked me._

_I brought the pieces to her, letting them slip through my arms and clatter loudly against the wooden floorboards. I gazed at her beautiful face again, who she was or her name were pieces of information I lacked. I couldn't ask her, I didn't even know who I was. Maybe she knew, perhaps she expected I would know who we were, what brought us here. She examined one of the pieces I had collected, while she did so, I gradually turned my head, gazing out of the window. The snow was falling endlessly. We were running out of time._

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**Chapter 2 - Fading Existence**

Pops had carried Nagisa's body out of the apartment we had lived in for the past months, wrapped in blankets like she had been during her time in labour. The question of why he was doing this ran through mind head; was he really just too stubborn to admit that he had lost his daughter? Hoping for a miracle like the last time Nagisa had faced her end? Yagi-san followed him out, Sanae-san third in line, clutching Ushio in her arms. I stayed close behind, pulling the door shut behind me. Anyone still awake at the hour would have thought we were insane, rushing through the night buried in snowflakes, carrying a deceased girl and a newborn child. I didn't care what anyone else would think, all I cared about was staying as close to Nagisa as possible, even if she couldn't look back at me and smile like she used to; it broke my heart that this had been what we had come to face, that she would part so early on. She had been talking of years together, never losing feelings towards each other over the decades ahead, remaining as close as we did the day we confessed our true feelings. The future she had planed, not only for ourselves but with Ushio had vanished in an instant.

My mind drifted back to the story that Pops had told me of Nagisa's childhood, the last time she had faced her end. Of the field he had taken her to. The hospital there was still under construction, there was no way we could return there; a part of me believed that was still the cause of Nagisa's passing, that special place she had been spared; that place had been hurt and as a result, Nagisa's body was pushed beyond its limits when it came to giving birth to Ushio. If only we could save her like back then; return to that place and beg and wish with all our power that she could be delivered back to us. Too much time had passed, Nagisa was lost to us. My vision of the street buried in snow began to wave once bitter tears built in my eyes, I was doing everything in my power not to break down, to stay strong; for Sanae-san, for Ushio. If only the snow hadn't fallen over the city, if only Nagisa's body hadn't pushed her into labour on the one day the city was paralysed. But that was merely fate working against us once again. Why? Why us?

I shook the clouding thoughts from my head, what mattered now was staying with the only real family I had felt since the passing of my mother. She had passed on when I was young, but Ushio… She would never know what her real mother's love was. Even if I had lost such caring, she would never experience what I had in the first years of my life. Maybe it was me, perhaps this city was just working against me and Nagisa had stepped into the line of fire when she cared. Was it because of me that people I cared about would die? I lifted my arm, brushing the freezing sleeve of my coat across my face, dragging the tears clinging to my sockets; a faint trail followed their paths across towards my right ear. They wouldn't last long, nothing did. _No-one_ did.

What felt like hours passed rushing through the streets towards the hospital, how Pops believed Nagisa would survive in such weather was beyond me; snow continued to fall from the white sky. Everything was white. I was beginning to grow sick of the shade, one that was supposed to represent light; hope, of what we had lost. Gazing at the sight of Pops, Sanae-san and Yagi-san as though I had been awoken from a daze that had lasted some time, I longed to ask how Nagisa was doing, just wishing that Pops would turn around and tell me she was hanging on. I felt in denial, her death was something I could never accept, something I wanted to ignore and brush off as my imagination. She only cared about Ushio, not about herself. Then it came down to me, I had helped create Ushio; after that night, I would do nothing more than watch on, Nagisa had to do all the work. Why did I lure her into such an act of passion knowing her body was weak enough just supporting her life? I hesitated, lifting my head to see Pops leading us, Nagisa hanging in his arms.

"Pops" I called, it felt like a reflex, my mouth had verbalized my thought.

The red haired man gazed over his shoulder; his eyes didn't bare the uncaring mien that he would usually direct at me in whatever way he could. I couldn't see anything, bleakness had clouded him; it sent a chill down my spine, perhaps even he had understood what had already happened. Perhaps he realized a miracle wouldn't occur and save Nagisa a second time. We had run out of time.

When I said nothing, his face faded behind the hairs of his head, eyes set on the buried road ahead. The pain in my heart was intense, I didn't know how long I could keep running into the delusional world of no light, no hope; I felt like simply falling to my knees and crying until I had no more tears left in me, freezing to death and joining my one love. Tears slid down my face, why did this have to happen? What about everything Nagisa - _we_ - had ahead? What about the people we knew and cared for? We had helped everyone in anyway we could; work together as a team to bring happiness to those that stood around us everyday. But when it came to saving Nagisa… I let her down.

Who knows how much time we spent racing through the streets, flakes of snow falling onto us like a disease. The doors to the hospital shone brightly, like a beacon of hope to us amidst a raging storm, waves of a dark sea crashing violently against our undersized vessel. Hope for Ushio.

"Oi!" Pops yelled over his shoulder at those of us following. "We're almost there. It's right up ahead".

Sanae-san gave a sigh of relief, her breath came out of her mouth like a miniature cloud of smoke Pops would eject from his body after breathing in what his cigarettes had to offer his body, her body had cooled down that much. Her mind, her heart had set themselves on Nagisa and Ushio; her daughter and granddaughter. Sanae-san was such a wonderful woman, she didn't deserve these incidents happening to her, my eyes fell to the snow once again, I had been the cause of their misery, of Ushio's misery.

If only I could reverse time… the same desire surfaced in my head.

The doorway opened up for us, greeting us into its walls, the shelter it had to offer. The chance it was opening up for Ushio. In an instant, the snow stopped.

I gazed up, there were no clouds blanketing the sky, there were lights. Artificial lights. We were inside and out of the white droplets of winter. Pops and Sanae-san had proceeded to the desk, raising the awareness of Nagisa and Ushio in their arms; mother and daughter; daughter and granddaughter. I tore my eyes from them, I couldn't bear it. Instead, I gazed out at that which had stripped my love from my life. Nagisa… where was she? Was she staying close to us?

My chest felt hallow; numb from the pain that had eaten my heart. Yagi-san laid a hand on my shoulder, provoking me to look back at her. She had been smiling gently, a smile that dropped slightly when she noticed my expression; I was holding onto the despair I had felt when Nagisa's hand had fallen from mine, I guessed that I appeared exhausted to her; it seemed that she had gotten past that, perhaps it was my eyes that exposed me.

"Everything will be alright, Okazaki-san. You can live as a family in a short time" she insisted.

I gradually moved my head; those words cut deep. Couldn't she see that we had been too late? After a moment of trying, I was shaking my head slightly; like a child learning all over again. We couldn't be a family without Nagisa.

She was the "Daikazoku" in "Dango Daikazoku". She was the "Dango" through her love of the childish beings. But I had seen past that; that song meant everything to Nagisa, she would sing it to Ushio during her pregnancy. I had teased that she would have an obsession over the toys to compete against her mother's.

Now we could never know.

If she liked the Dango, it would be one thing that I could hold onto in her. But my arms would never rise to hold her. My body had shut down in front of the child that was mine, the child whom had been born into the world without a mother. Yagi-san had retreated to Sanae-san and Pops by the time I surfaced from thoughts of Dangos and the past.

_Warmer. Brighter. Times._

She removed Ushio from Sanae-san's arms, carrying her behind Pops who left with Nagisa, travelling into the hospital. To the place where he would learn hope had died. Sanae-san appeared over my shoulder, laying her hand onto the blade by my neck, our eyes met. She was still smiling as usual, putting all of her effort into keeping the friendly expression. My heart felt a twinge of warmth; she looked so much like Nagisa in a handful of years in the future, would Ushio look like Nagisa a generation earlier in her life?

"Everything will be fine now, Okazaki-san" she sounded, almost winking when the words ended.

Just looking at her, my heart screamed when another crack forged within its skin just as so many others. She had known the risks there were to Nagisa giving birth, she was the person I had _heard_ it from; could she not see Nagisa had passed on? How could she smile now?

Despite the dams I had built in order to keep from breaking down, tears gathered in my eyes, slipping down my cheeks before either of us could do anything. I cursed inwardly at letting them slip down my cheeks, raising a hand to wipe them away. But my hand didn't reach my face. Sanae-san had lifted a finger as a bridge, removing the crystals from my face. I gazed at her; she was beautiful; the night Nagisa had first tasted sake appeared in my head like an old film. In her drunken state, she had believed I wanted her mother, provoking me to defend myself between the claim, insisting that Sanae-san was good-looking and dodging the fuel to Nagisa's fire that Pops had been supplying. Those times… they had been merely a year ago. But they were already another life away.

Sanae-san wrapped her arms loosely around my neck, pulling my head over her shoulder. What she was doing was something I couldn't understand until words poured into my ear.

"Don't worry. Everything will be alright, we'll go into the brightness of the future together" she whispered. My eyes widened; had she understand what had happened? Was this "brightness" that she was referring to the return to the bottom of the hill behind Nagisa that I had experienced? "I promise you, Okazaki-san. We'll all go on as a family. We'll share many more memories like those in the past".

Her hand came against the back of my head, slipping through my hair; she was stroking me in order to comfort me, to bring peace to my soul. There was no doubt that she had understood. At least, it was what I had believed, but I daren't ask her to confirm the belief in my mind in the case she was still the naïve woman I saw as a mother; _my_ mother-in-law.

Over my shoulder, the snow kept falling as though nothing had happened. When Sanae-san released me; we watched the sight together - one filled with hope, the other filled with despair. Two sides that had stayed close. She laid a hand over my chest, feeling the grief-stricken heart that ached beating in my hollow chest. We watched the scene of white frozen rain together for what felt like an eternity; the snow was falling endlessly.

* * *

When Pops and Yagi-san returned, the four of us proceeded into a corridor, sitting on a row of chairs that had been placed against the wall. Sanae-san laid her hand on top of mine, I caught her eye; she continued to smile. And then she gazed at the snow; the snow that we could barely see through the white clouds and lack of leaves hanging on the branches of the bare trees standing in the courtyard. No-one had come with news of Nagisa. No-one had come with news of Ushio. I felt as though I could just drop on the ground and wait to die; I already knew what was coming - even if Ushio would have been granted the chance to live, there was no mother there for her. And I would be a useless father, just as I had said to Nagisa. I knew nothing about parenting; _she_ had been the one to attend the classes during her pregnancy about being a mother, not me. She had been so excited about giving birth; determined to have the child she loved born in the home where we had lived and conceived her, where the mutual decision to give life had been made and carried out. The home that meant everything to us. Even when it meant risking her life. Why did the snow have to fall on the day in which she had gone into labour? What sick force pushed her water to break two weeks early on such a day? Was it because she loved me and I loved her? I gave a sigh; everyone who I cared about was cursed; a curse that would lead to their demise. My mother. My wife. Was my child dying?

"Oi, I'll get us some coffee" Pops' voice called through the dreary world within my mind.

I gazed at the couple, seeing the man rise from his chair. Sanae-san reached over, laying a hand on my far shoulder and pulling me across, my head touching her shoulder.

"You should rest Okazaki-san. It's been a long night and it seems it's going to continue until the sun rises and shows us the fruits of Nagisa's spirit" she whispered gently.

Her 'spirit'? My eyebrow rose slightly at the word then fell once again. She knew. She definitely knew. Unless my mental capacity had reached its limit and the words she spoke were a delusion to cover what she really uttered. I let my head rest against her shoulder, eyelids sliding downwards.

"Sanae-san… when someone comes about Nagisa…" I whispered hoarsely. "Please wake me…"

My eyes fell shut and the sounds of the hospital faded into nothing; blackness engulfed my senses and my world; half-wishing to never awaken.

What I realized looking back at that traumatic time was that I never asked to hear about Ushio.

* * *

"_Eh? What am I meant to do with this now?"_

"_It's fine. I'll hold it until Okazaki-san awakens. This has been a burden on him too; he has a child now too. Remember what you were like when Nagisa was born?"_

Nagisa…

"_That's completely different, I didn't fall asleep!"_

"_No, but you weren't composed like he has been"_

"_Sanae!"_

A gentle giggling followed. Two voices I knew.

"_Consider it revenge for saying so many mean things about my bread"._

My eyelids tore themselves from each other gradually. I was staring at the scene of snowflakes falling from a bright sky. Then everything came flooding back into me; we were still at the hospital. I pulled my head from Sanae-san's shoulder, catching her attention that came in the form of a single sound of her surprise.

"Okazaki-san, did we wake you?" she asked with a face that looked hurt.

"No, it's fine" I sounded, shaking my head. "Has there been anything?"

"I'm afraid not. You weren't asleep for very long. And I promised that I would wake you if anyone came; just like you asked" the woman answered gently. "Here, Akio just returned with these".

She handed me a coffee that Pops had purchased from a canteen somewhere in the building, I gripped the paper container, gazing down at the lid which covered the brown liquid.

"Thank you, I'll pay you for it later" I mumbled.

"I won't allow it. We're family now" Sanae-san almost snapped. Her face had strayed far from her usual loving appeal, she almost looked angry at me. "And we stand in a time where family are meant to be together. I won't allow you to pay for something Akio hands out of that family bond. Please Okazaki-san".

"Yes, forgive me for being so stupid" I sighed. Had I really just annoyed Sanae-san of all people?

"Tomoya-san" she sounded gently, pressing the palm of her hand around my right side of my crown as though to bring my head against her body and comfortingly stroke my head like to a child.

I didn't expect for her to do it, I was a big boy. I was a man. At least; physically. My eyes rose to the scene of white clouds scattering flakes of snow across the city. Allowing them to fall to pleasure children and bring a day of freedom to those that would be unable to get into work. The white… that was peace and purity until footsteps would crack the blanket and shape paths of thousands of residents.

Footsteps echoed in the empty hallway like claps of thunder threatening to disturb the peace and drive people into their homes. I glanced down the corridor where a nurse strode, Pops and Sanae-fixed their eyes onto the woman approaching, a clipboard pressed against her chest, black hair fashioned into a bun without a strand of rogue hair slipping from the fashion in a defiant manner in seeking freedom. Her pace slowed as she approached, my heart pounded against my chest anxiously; even though I had no idea if she was going to stop before us or pass us by. Even though I already knew that Nagisa had passed.

The woman who appeared to have reached the midpoint of her twenties halted, glancing at the paper pinned to the clipboard and then fixing her eyes upon us.

"Okazaki?" she sounded.

"That's me. I mean, 'us'" I answered, quickly correcting myself as I glanced at my parents-in-law. "We're waiting for anything on my child and wife; Ushio and Nagisa Okazaki".

"I see" she muttered. "Well, I was sent by the doctor looking over Nagisa. I'm very sorry…"

The world stopped; I knew what was coming, I had already seen the proof that it was true. But my heart still hurt, it was still falling apart, tears were still building in my eyes. Words were about to make it official, my throat tightened. I couldn't handle it being the truth.

"…Nagisa passed away. It seemed she had already done so before you brought her in".

I brought a hand against my face, tearing the tears that built in my eye away from their position to slide down my face, hair of my fringe lifted against the skin of my fingers. The hand parted, letting everything fall back into place. Over my shoulder, Sanae-san had allowed her tears to fall, I couldn't be sure what was going through Pops' mind; probably disbelief at what had truly happened. I opened my mouth, just to try and speak; all I could manage was a hoarse cry barely louder than a mere whisper.

"Nagisa…"

The eye I hadn't brushed against my hand let the tears that had built fall. Life was no longer worth living, my world had passed onto another plain, she would watch from the heavens as we struggled to laugh and live and care without her. I couldn't blame her; she wanted to give birth to Ushio at home, she had been granted that hope through forces that prevented us from saving her life to watch the child she had prayed to live grow into a young woman.

Why? Why had this happened? And to us. Fate had been paying with us since the days we were born, this city, everything about it. I hate this place more than before the days we met.

I hunched over, allowing the tears that tricked down my cheeks to fall onto the cold floor. This agony… I could fall apart, collapse internally and die right there and then. It couldn't be…

I had known yet my heart still wept endlessly. I wasn't allowed to cease grieving.

"I'll give you some time alone" the woman muttered, taking a step back.

Tears flowed down my cheeks, determined to drain my body of the crystals until I could shed no more. What if Ushio was going to die? What if Nagisa sacrificed herself for nothing? Sanae-san wrapped her arms around me; I felt her beating heart against my ear. Puzzled by her embrace, I glanced up through the tears, seeing her damp face with rivers of tears slipping down her cheeks; she was holding me to comfort her, to comfort us both. I closed my eyes and allowed her to keep me close, I couldn't bear reality.

* * *

It was sunrise by the time I had run dry, news had reached us that Ushio would be fine. I stood out on a balcony of an empty room, gazing dully at the bright sun which clambered over the horizon, a dim red in comparison to its usual blinding golden light. Pops strolled out behind me, lighting a cigarette and approaching. He casually leaned against the fencing placed around the edges of the extension, just as I did out of sheer weakness.

"If you keep smoking those… one day, Sanae-san will lose _you_" I mumbled drearily.

"Never mind about Sanae and me" he countered. "What will you say to your friends?"

A small gasp left my mouth, I hadn't even thought about the others. Kyou, Ryou, Kotomi, Sunohara, Tomoyo, Mei, Yukine. What was everyone going to say? What would those beyond my closest friends going to say? My expression fell just as my heart sank; I was only going to bring more pain to each of them. A phone appeared before my eyes, I glanced over at Pops whose hand gripped it tightly.

"Go… I'll leave you alone to do so".

My fingers reluctantly tightened around the edge of the phone, leaving Pops to release it and depart. I glanced over my shoulder to see how far he intended to hide, the door to the room shut. Surprised, I turned my attention to the phone, punching in a number very familiar to me. There was only one person I could tell first; ordinary to taunt, but this time to confide in. The phone came to my ear.

One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

"_Hello…_" a dreary voice came.

"Sunohara, it's me".

"_Ah… Okazaki. What do you want so early in the morning?"_

"I'm at the hospital" I couldn't tell her straight away, that wasn't fair. I sucked in my breath before I could continue, contemplating the words to utter. "Nagisa's given birth".

"_WHAT?! When was this?"_

"About two this morning. But we had to get to the hospital. You're the first to know".

"_Really? I never expected that of you, are you too embarrassed to call the girls because you may imagine them in their underwear?"_ his voice rose towards the end, he was kidding me.

"Bastard" I snarled. "I would never betray Nagisa!"

"_So… this kid, is it a boy or a girl?"_

So sudden to change the subject. I complied and continued as though his comment never reached my ears.

"Ushio is a girl…"

"_Ah, so we have a baby Nagisa coming up"._

"Sunohara…" my body trembled, shadow of my fringe consuming my eyes which began to fill again. I couldn't avoid it, but I was going to hurt him. My heart shuddered. "It-… its Nagisa…"

"_Hm?"_

"Nagisa died giving birth to Ushio".

The line went quiet, despite my attempts to sound strong at such a time; I had proved my fragile state in the words that shook. A tear splashed over the end of the phone that hung by my mouth, gritting my teeth just to avoid breaking down completely.

"_Okazaki? She… Nagisa-chan…"_

"Yeah… The snow prevented us from getting to the hospital so she gave birth at home just as she originally desired. But it was all too much for her body".

"_I can't believe it…"_

"Sunohara… I have a favour to ask".

"_What is it?"_

"I want you to tell the girls… I'm not strong enough to do it".

"_I understand. And I'm coming over there"._

"But your job-"

"_This is way more important to me. I'll decide between telling them the truth and saying I was ill later. You and Nagisa-chan mean so much more to me than some job I got because I barely graduated. I'll be there soon… Tomoya"._

_Tomoya._ That was the first time he called me by my first name, I almost dropped the phone. I felt so numb, it was so surreal. Nothing made sense. I prayed that I hadn't woken from the rest against Sanae-san, just for Nagisa's sake. But then again… I couldn't go through the pain of hearing those inevitable words.

What was so wrong with us being happy? There was no sign of Pops; I stood alone for a while, watching the sun rise. Nagisa never left my thoughts; where was she? Was she watching over us? Was she smiling that she could give birth or crying that her passing had brought so much pain?

"Thank you… Youhei".

* * *

A few hours had passed from the conversation over the phone and I had returned to the seat where I had heard the devastating words. I had insisted that Sanae-san and Pops return home to rest, that I would rest later. After all, Sunohara was on his way. I was alone, staring bleakly out of the glass panels at the top of the opposite wall; while the sun rose into the sky, snow continued to cling to the branches of trees, the sun's power was nothing in the wintry chill; the snow would be victorious in surviving the day.

"Okazaki!"

My eyes widened slightly, twisting my neck to see Sunohara racing down the corridor, wearing nothing by a loose white long-sleeved shirt and jeans. He'd have had no intention in looking smart just to find me; he had been rushing the entire morning just to meet up with me. I said nothing until he came to a halt, panting heavily. Even after several visits, seeing him without his blonde hair felt so unnatural.

"Sunohara…"

Tears built at the gesture of care that he had presented by cross back here from Tokyo just to find me. But I refused them to flow; I wouldn't break down in front of my best friend.

"I've told the girls, each gave a similar reaction; crying, pleading that I was messing with them, asking how you were" he spoke quickly as he let himself fall into the seat beside me.

"Sunohara… thank you" I whispered.

"You look wrecked. You should get some sleep" Sunohara stated with a gentle smirk. "He was trying to lift the mood without seeming a traitor to the devastation we had felt.

"I took a nap against Sanae-san earlier. Just a few minutes, but it's more than what they've had" I mumbled.

"_Oh~_ A nap against Sanae-san? Was it nice?" Sunohara chuckled, expecting Pops to appear and trap him in a headlock so suddenly. "Hey… where _are_ they?"

"I told them to go home and get some rest. Sanae-san was pretty reluctant, but being a father, I think Pops understands how I feel" I muttered tiredly.

"Okazaki… rest against me. It's the least I can do" Sunohara mumbled, holding his shoulder blade out for me.

I sucked in my breath, feeling the tears that had built begging for freedom from the restraints I held them back in. Sunohara's azure eyes locked onto my face, the usual clueless expression softened into one of comfort. The tears tricked so coldly down my skin.

"Su-Sunohara…" I sobbed. "_Ive lost Nagisa!"_

And in such an uncharacteristic way, I pressed myself against him, sobbing as though I had never cried. I knew it pained him to see me like this, I felt his hand brushing the hairs over the back of my head gently. We could have stayed like that forever… and the pain would never cease.

* * *

_**Next time**_

_"The snow melted away, but no matter what I tried, Nagisa remained on my mind. Ushio would live with Sanae-san and Pops. I swore that I would forget Nagisa was a part of my life… just to avoid the fact that she was dead"._

_Chapter Three - Two Shadows_


	3. Two Shadows

****

CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo

_Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio, there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV._

* * *

_~ CLANNAD ~_

_I couldn't feel her pain, but she was suffering. The ache absent from my chest ached in despair. Why couldn't I finish what we had started? Was she going to die? This world was a place where there was no-one, a world that had ended… and we felt at our end. I would go on to rust and decay without her. But for her to suffer…_

_It wasn't right. All she did was embrace this place; she loved this world in the Spring and Summer, even Autumn. But this world had turned on her; this world did not love her like she loved it. It was going to claim her life… and there was nothing I could do to protect her. No matter how much I wished terribly. I was going to fail her. But… she and I were partners; the pain she bore, I was meant to carry with her._

_Had she expected this to happen when she created my body and brought me into this despairing world? Her tiny body was trembling viciously; her body couldn't take much more. I laid a hand onto her shoulder. Her golden eyes met my disfigured face._

"_What is it?" she asked._

_I wished I could give her an answer, if only she had given me a voice. But I did not blame her for my silence, perhaps she simply did not want me to cry if she passed on. She was a goddess, a girl that had brought me into this world not just for her, but for me too. I wished I could reward her with life as she had me._

"_Are you going back out there? It's so cold"._

_Yes. It's cold. But I must go. I cannot let her perish in this world because she was ill-equipped for the end of the world's year. I wouldn't allow the snow to claim her in the absence of the lights that had drifted around us in the previous months. I would do whatever I could, even if my body were to cease functioning and she would never be able to rescue me. If she were to die, there would be nothing for me in this world._

_Only empty days filled with empty memories. I could not bear a life like that. The snow would melt and the lights would gather, but the girl wouldn't stand in the lush fields to accompany those lights. I wanted to cry. For her. To shed her tears._

* * *

**Chapter 3 - Two Shadows**

My legs were numb wandering through the snow-coated roads. Word had come to us that Ushio was fine, she was going to live; Nagisa's sacrifice had fulfilled her desire for her baby to live on. _Our_ baby to live on. Snowflakes fell innocently over me, over the city. Who would have expected that such fragile and gentle drops of frozen water could cause a family so much grief? Sunohara insisted that I leave and get some rest after staying awake for the majority of 24 hours, threatening to drag me back if I refused. With that, I had to reluctantly accept and depart. My feet barely left the concrete road beneath the blanket of white, dragging my heavy heart away from the woman I loved, the baby whom I had conceived with her. I couldn't bring myself to admit it aloud, but I couldn't bear living anymore. Tears continued to stream down my face; Nagisa wouldn't want that. Such a cowardly death would only harm those that I cared about even more.

I couldn't do that to them, not after everything they had done for me. They had opened my eyes to a life worth living, all as a way to thank Nagisa and me for what doors we had helped them open. But now what? Where would I go from here? I could feel my body falter, the pain was too much. I couldn't envision a life without Nagisa, without the light that made me whole. There was nothing but white, houses closed off to the outside. Suddenly… there was a laugh. The laugh of a child. A naïve laugh that had yet to endure the tests of life.

My leg shifted forward, I couldn't bear to even look at the child, wherever he or she stood. The view of the street ahead slipped in and out of focus, exhaustion was overcoming my body, ready to claim me and let me freeze in the harsh nature of the season. I wouldn't mind if there were so many people to face after losing Nagisa. Standing either side of the aisle that we strolled down before I could call her mine forever, watching the coffin that held her petite body; eyes once filled with light and a thrill for life filled with tears of sadness, of their loss. Kyou, Ryou, Kotomi, Tomoyo. Those that had become a part of the drama club, the girls whom Nagisa and I swore to help throughout our year in education together; at that school, the place where we finally declared our love after months.

Each had suffered their loss. I could only imagine their faces when they heard of Ushio, only to drop in mourning at hearing of Nagisa's unjust fate.

Two trenches had been dug in the snow behind my path; the footsteps of our earlier rush had since been filled by the flakes of the wintry spirit laid over this city. This city… that had toyed with us. When would the sun shine through and erase this mistake that the clouds have given up? The curse bestowed upon us that sealed Nagisa's fate.

Before I could even think about suppressing the pain that made my chest feel hollow, tears were sliding down my freezing cheeks. I cursed myself inwardly, why couldn't I be strong? I was a father now; I couldn't break down as easily as Nagisa would. But the tears wouldn't stop… No matter how many times the back or the palm of my hand would brush against my eyelids, they continued to regenerate; an endless suffering. I would never see Nagisa in this life again; I would spend years alone in mourning and meet her when my body lay amongst the earth of this forsaken world. This world that I despised and cursed.

My legs wobbled gracelessly in the bitter winter scene, screaming in agony throughout the losing battle against nature. My heart felt as heavy, like I could simply collapse in the snow and wait for my body to give up, to meet Nagisa once again before my life would feel empty. But then… the others would suffer more. The burdens upon their hearts would grow; the pain that would tear them apart. Suicide was a coward's way out and I still had Ushio; Nagisa's wish.

The sight of the apartment that had been my home for close to a year was a blissful sight, I stumbled weakly towards it. It was like an oasis in a desert, a delusion of my mind to give me hope and force my body forward. I surrendered regardless of the true scene ahead of me. The trip had never felt so drawn out; like I had crossed the entire city just to find the one place I could call mine.

Mine… no longer _ours_. My heart trembled, tears swelling in my reddened eyes. How long before the pain would become too much? Would I be able to cope for Ushio's sake? The smiles that had been upon the faces of the Furukawa clan throughout our peaceful carefree days passed through my mind. So many wonderful memories; times that Ushio would never experience. She had lost more than just a mother; she had lost a part of herself. Just as I felt I had. Standing outside of the door to the apartment, my eyes drifted to the writing by the door, displaying more than just my name - they were _our_ names. My fist rose and pounded my chest lightly, unable to tear through the skin and muscle of my heart to massage my damaged heart. Everything was staring at me, pointing out the life we had planned, reminding me of the horrid reality. Why couldn't _I_ be taken to satisfy this city's hatred for me? It had yet to finish toying with me; who would this place sacrifice next?

My hand dove blindly into my pocket, fishing out the key that had locked us out of the place we could call a home in the twilight hours, slipping into the hole forged for it. Twisting, clicking, opening; it was something that happened each and every day. My legs dragged me forward, into the warm room and shutting out the accursed snow. The temperature kept the dwelling warm, but the welcoming aura had vanished; my home was just as it had been when I worked alone. But even then, there had been hope. Light. Promise. Now there was nothing; nothing for me, nothing for Ushio. This place was just a few rooms placed together under a roof, it meant nothing anymore. The memories that we shared would be buried within the walls, never to rise again. That was the end of our future.

I strolled along the short hallway, hand falling against the wooden barrier. My body fell against it, forcing the door to swing open. My eyes truly opened at the sight I uncovered; I had entered the nursery Nagisa had put together for Ushio. The crib for our baby to sleep, the toys she would play with, the rocking chair that Nagisa would sit upon to feed and sing her to sleep. There was such charm in the room, four walls decorated so innocently that brought such pain. Even Dango plushies seated upon the chest of drawers, it tore at my heart.

Those round mounds of plush were Nagisa staring at me so gently. She was going to force the Dango culture upon Ushio, something I loved to tease her about after hearing how she sang the childish song to our unborn babe. But I couldn't speak nor think ill of her; that was a crime against her memory; an act I was not willing to commit. After all… she was my one and only love. She was the person who opened up their arms to me when I was nothing but a delinquent, when I planned to do nothing but lay under the sky until the day came when my pointless life would end. But she was the one who appeared and opened her hand to me, to guide me along a new path, she stood there so innocently talking to herself, unaware of how much her standing alone at the foot of that hill would mean. To us both. She was the one that pushed me forward, to climb that hill alongside her, to walk into the world a new man, to work and give my life a purpose. _She_ was my motivation. _She _was my inspiration.

And now there was nothing… Where would I go from here? Back to the person I had been? _Do_ I go anywhere? My life had fallen apart, I was nothing again. I was nothing without Nagisa. My foot passed through the threshold, my heart had given up. There was nothing for me in this world without my wife. My Nagisa. The apartment remained silent as I passed through the room Nagisa and I had put together to welcome our bundle from Heaven into the world. The melody of the Dango Daikazoku song Nagisa would sing so gently played through my head; each note, each gentle second.

Then my body froze. My eyes widened. Before me... was Nagisa. She was sitting just in front of me, holding Ushio in her arms, when had she returned? Her voice carried the words that accompanied the melody drifting through my mind. Her beautiful, tender voice was pouring into my ears, into the ears of our child. I shuffled towards her, reaching out. Her eyes lifted to see me, smiling so attractively, those glorious golden eyes that I though I would never seen were just in front of my eyes. The corners of my mouth rose into a meek smile; this was my family, the future we had dreamt of. From beside my leg, my hand rose, lifted into the air and reaching forward to the girl - the woman - whom I loved. Whom I cherished. The girl who had appeared liked a goddess in my life to deliver hope to me, I was no longer a useless, voiceless human walking unknown in the streets; I had a purpose, I had a future. _Had_. No longer could I praise fate for bringing me an angel in the years of darkness I had lived through. Fate had recalled that angel; they had delivered a child into my arms and parted, tearing Nagisa from me as though she were nothing more than a tool to raise my hopes before shattering my life once again.

My hand reached her, about to touch the fabric that covered her tiny body when I experienced nothing. I blinked, gazing up at her face in disbelief. Her smile fell, watching me curiously.

"_Tomoya-kun?"_

She vanished before me in the blink of an eye, _during_ the blink of my eyes. She had never been there; Ushio had never been in her arms. My legs buckled, leaving me on my knees before the chair that sat uselessly in the nursery. My lips parted, whispering in a hoarse voice the only thing I could.

"Nagisa… _Nagisa… Nagisa…_"

Fists slammed against the seat of the chair, tears hit the cushion that had been placed for comfort. This world was nothing without Nagisa, I couldn't live on alone. My heart had already surrendered to what I had endured, ready to stop beating and simply ache forever. I remained hunched over the chair, sobbing like a child, just waiting for a hand to fall upon my head and stroke me with comforting words. Just waiting to gaze up and see Nagisa truly there through the tears, telling me that I had been experiencing a terrible dream. Nothing happened.

My body was drained; I couldn't keep up the charade any longer. Slipping in and out of consciousness, my body slipped from the chair without my brain registering the descent, falling against the ground where sleep overcame me. Everything was black. There was no light.

* * *

"_Okazaki. Okazaki!"_

The world began to tremble suddenly, a voice I knew was calling from a distant place. My body was being forced from the unconsciousness that was rest. I gave a groan to prove I was alive before my eyes slid open gradually, the sudden light from the bright room almost blinding. Giving a moment for my eyes to adjust, I realized the voice had ceased. There was silence; had I been hallucinating again?

"Thank God… You were really starting to scare me".

I knew that voice. The numb arm beneath my body pushed against the ground to lift me like a jack, despite how difficult the throbbing made it. A hand slipped beneath the pit, assisting in the task of dragging me from the floor. I looked around to the other where sapphire eyes caught my attention.

"When I said you should get some rest, I meant go to bed, not wear yourself out and collapse" Sunohara sighed, shaking his head like a disappointed parent.

"I got lost in a moment where I didn't concentrate. I thought I was heading for the bathroom and turned the wrong way" I protested quietly, looking away as if we were arguing in school. An easier time to think about. "What time is it?"

"I'd say about midday, I didn't look at a clock on my way out from the hospital" he answered serenely. "Sanae-san and Nagisa's father are over there now, they asked I come check up on you. When you didn't answer the door, I assumed you'd gone to sleep and used the key they gave me. But I couldn't find you anywhere; you scared the crap out of me. Even more so when I found you in here and _then_ you wouldn't wake up. Are you _trying_ to worry me to death?"

"Heh, I'm sorry, I never meant for you to feel like that" I sighed with a hollow smile. Typical Sunohara… but I loved that about him, he could turn even the worst of situations into a lighter mood. This time, he really had his work cut out for him; even I couldn't believe that it was possible for him to succeed.

"You really should sleep for real, you're not going to do yourself any good by sleeping on the floor" he muttered, unsatisfied by the scene he had discovered. Perhaps I wasn't the only one who felt that I had nothing ahead of me without Nagisa to guide the way.

"I don't even remember sleeping. I just remembering being in front of the chair" I mumbled, averting my eyes to the empty seat.

What I saw in the corner of my eye surprised me, Sunohara's face had dropped; he gazed at the seat solemnly. There was no feeling in his expression; he watched through the shadows that hung over the usually clueless face. Nagisa's death had shaken him just like it had me; I kept forgetting that. I was not the only one to suffer. Ushio was not the only one, nor her family. She had friends and people who had watched her performance that had fallen in love with her. Only I could step forward and take the hand she extended to me, but that did not mean that we were the only ones in that world. We just climbed the hill, joined by our friends, seeing the faces of those we had helped.

"Sunohara…" I whispered.

He blinked as if my voice had snapped him out of his world of thoughts, eyes falling to me. I narrowed mine in regret, they were suffering and all I was going to do was make them feel worse. I would going to only increase the weight of the burden placed upon their hearts.

"I'm sorry".

"Huh? Where did this come from?"

"When you walked in and saw me on the floor… did you think…?" I couldn't bring myself to say it, what if he hadn't? What if asking would only lead him to believe that I felt that low? That I felt that far… I couldn't harm him anymore than he already was.

"What is it?" he asked cautiously.

"It's nothing… I guess I had a dumb moment" I sighed while forging a smile upon my face.

"I worry about you sometimes" he chuckled.

"That's because I've been hanging out with you for so long. You've affected what little portion of my brain I had left over the few years we've known each other" I joked. It seemed he had succeeded, at least for now. He had overcome the ambience and done the impossible so easily.

"Bastard" he scowled, glancing away.

Shuffling away, I attempted to push myself from the ground. However, the throbbing in my arm turned to screams and gave up, I would have hit the floor if it weren't for Sunohara catching me after the cry of recognizing me struggle. He shuffled around and began to help me rise, tugging on my other arm until we stood opposite each other.

"That'll teach me to sleep on my arm, I suppose" I chuckled uneasily, rubbing the back of my head in embarrassment.

"What am I going to do with you?" Sunohara sighed, shaking his head.

"I used to ask the same about you before graduation" I added with a smirk.

Perhaps Nagisa had brought him to me, but in that moment, it felt as though even without her, there was still a path for me to walk in the world. A path that would lead me to where I belonged, a place where everyone would be waiting. The peak of the hill we had been climbing.

If only I could reach it, aim to stand amongst those I loved and cherished. She would push me forward no matter how hard I protested that I would stay with her. I would follow a path I had seen and promised another we would travel together by myself. Alone. Emptily.

"I'll get the futon out to sleep" I muttered discreetly.

"Sure, I'll raid your fridge for something to eat" Sunohara called with a grin.

I shook my head at the child standing in front of me. That was what he always had been, what he always would be; a boy. Passing him, I laid a hand of gratitude on his shoulder without words, hearing a sound of bewilderment escape his mouth. The threshold passed over my head and my body turned to the corridor once again, strolling without any feeling, without any will to move forward. Why had I suddenly lost my will to live when parting from Sunohara? Did he really possess this charm that enabled one to feel truly alive and that existing was worth it? A heavy sigh left my mouth, strolling into the room in which Ushio had been born and Nagisa had passed on. Tears swelled in my eyes, _this_ was the place where her life had ended, a place I saw everyday, a place I _lived_. I would never escape the fact that she was no more of this world, that we had been so close.

"Nagisa?" I called gently in the hopes her spirit would appear in front of me with that bright smile. Waiting for her to say that everything was going to be fine and she would watch over us. Nothing happened; no hand came before me; no voice filled my ears. I strolled towards the spot where the futon had laid, where she had breathed her last, where she had sacrificed herself in order to create a new life. And fell. Collapsed into a heap, arms wrapped around my heard as my nose hung inches from the ground, tears streaming across my face. How could I live on without her? And in the place where she perished?

"Nagisa… _Nagisa…_"

I begged and pleaded for her to appear, whether it be in reality or even just a dream; just so I could wrap my arms around her and hear that angelic voice. To apologize and hear her speak of Ushio and what she wanted me to do. She knew I was a useless parent.

"Okazaki! Looks like the snow's losing against the sun, maybe the city will resume its usual business tomorrow".

Sunohara must have gazed out of the window in Ushio's nursery at the disgusting city outside, watching the detestable place buried in snow, the place that had done nothing but torment me throughout my life. Would it continue to do so if I stayed here? Would it harm Ushio if I took care of her? I forced my body to rise from the ground, leaving the minute stains against the floor, the tears I had shed constantly before dragging myself to the edge of the room and grabbing the futon inside. As I pulled it out and set it against the floor, one thing stayed on my mind; Ushio. If living with me was going to cause her harm, then I couldn't care for her. If I was going to be a useless parent like I claimed told Nagisa I would be, feeling so clueless, then I couldn't care for her. I was going to be a danger to her on more than one level, the level I believed when I spoke to Nagisa to keep her with us. When I let both her and Ushio.

I had failed again, tears continued to slip across my face as I slipped beneath the cover of the futon, bringing it up to my chin and gazing out at the city. I would be warm and safe while Ushio continued to fight to live on and Nagisa laid in a strange room without any life in her to utilize. Guilt washed over me, all I was doing was living and _that_ was enough to make me feel remorseful. I had been the one this city had decided to toy with, I had been the one that had dragged them into a world that neither deserved. I should have died. My eyelids fell shut, allowing the final tears to escape before exhaustion slowly began to creep through my body and seize me again.

* * *

Light poured across my body when my eyelids flickered, the end of my rest had come. The lids over my eyes began to rise, only to shut again instantly when the blinding light shone over my face. I lifted my arm to shield them before rolling over and trying again. The lit room took a moment to come into focus. Low snores filled my ears, causing my body to shoot up in surprise, Nagisa didn't snore. My neck twisted to see Sunohara lying nearby without anything to keep him warm, his body shuddered. My hands tightened on the end of the blanket that had kept me warm and draped it over his trembling body. The fact that he had fallen asleep and it seemed for so long meant one thing; morning had come and the sun was rising.

The light pouring over me seized me attention, turning me from Sunohara and to the blinding light over the city, my arm hovering in front of my forehead in order to shield my eyes from the intense shining. I moved forward towards the large French-style doors, sliding one open and stepping out onto the narrow balcony. Gazing out at the city in the dawn of a new day, I felt as though I was looking into another world. A world without hope, a world destined to suffer. Was that how I appeared to everyone? There was something missing in this bright world; life. I took a moment to brush my eyes of any sand-like substance left before I took another gaze at the plain in front of me.

The dwellings were gone, the city had vanished. What stood before me was a lush field, plates of grass swaying delicately against the morning breeze. I blinked and widened my eyes in surprise, but when I looked out, everything was back how I remembered; the city lacking a true meaning. My heart sank, where was that field beneath the shimmering lights that swam in the air? What did that place mean? Why had I seen it? For a moment, between seeing the sleeping city and the empty field, I had convinced myself that losing Nagisa was a dream. But then I glanced back, hoping to see her standing behind me with a puzzled look on her face; all I saw was Sunohara unconsciously wrapping himself in the blanket I had given him. My eyes softened and narrowed, there was no escaping reality. Just as what stood before me was a city escaping the blanket that had been laid upon it; Nagisa had escaped this city that had brought us nothing but hardship and agony. We just suffered. I shook my head, I had promised that I would forget her and allow her to live free from the ties we shared. She would live on in another world as herself; she wouldn't have to suffer because she knew me. She hadn't died because I was there. And I could forget that she was the love that I embraced and lost. Partially because I was me.

The snow melted away, but no matter what I tried, Nagisa remained on my mind. Ushio would live with Sanae-san and Pops. I swore that I would forget Nagisa was a part of my life… just to avoid the fact that she was dead. I had lost my Nagisa… the light in my useless life. I had no light to shine as a person; I was a mere shadow without her.

* * *

_"Those faces that had been so bright, the smiles that had spread in times of joy and carefree days. Each bore sympathy and vacant hope. Each had been harmed, just as I had. And I had no way to apologize to them. To my friends"._

_Chapter Four - Illusions_

* * *

_Short and not so good, I know. I'll make it up in the chapters ahead, but I couldn't think how far to take the time between Tomoya and Sunohara muc further. I promise I'll make it up. I'd like to say thank you so much to the reviewers, I hope I was able to fulfil the scene you asked for, Seto Takahashi. And the same to the meeting ahead, Vaarsuvius. As if it wasn't already painfully obvious, the CLANNAD OST greatly influences where this fic heads and the title chapters, just because the songs are magnificant and really help me capture what I'm aiming for in Tomoya. And regarding the comments in reviews; no, I am not a published writer, but that is where I'm aiming for and what you guys say really lifts my spirits in aiming for that goal, thanks so much~. Again, thank you immensely for reading so far and I promise I won't take forever to get chapters done._

_- CuteYami, 2nd June 2009_


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